Why Single People Are So Crazy

I have been a single-and-seeking lesbian for nearly 15 years.  In that time, I have dated about 13 people with some degree of seriousness.  I have gone on so many crash-and-burn semi-blind dates that I lost count six years ago.  I've gone from jaded to hopeful to celibate to infatuated to broken and back again at least once every year.

Through it all, I have dealt with a plethora of issues.  It's one thing to learn how to navigate the troubled waters of someone else's issues while also dealing with your own along the way.  It's another thing entirely to have tried this with 13 different people.

To illustrate, let's pretend that all of my exes were actually one person who I've been dating steadily for the last 15 years.  Here is the composite story:

• She's achieved eight undergraduate degrees, three master's degrees, and one PhD
• She's fluent in nine languages
• She's an artist, a writer, a therapist, a teacher, a stay-at-home mom, a medical professional, and an accomplished public health researcher
• She has attempted suicide multiple times
• She struggles with serious body image issues
• She's had 3 abortions
• She's been hospitalized for mental illness
• She's an alcoholic with an off-and-on drug problem
• She's been raised with every sort of family dysfunction imaginable
• She's been raped countless times
• We've broken up 15 times
• We've moved in and out of an apartment together twice
• We've been in separate countries from each other for a total of 1 year and 4 months
• We've talked about marriage, but never even got engaged
• She's cheated on me 5 times (that I know of)  

... no wonder I'm fucking exhausted.  Try to even imagine going through all of that with just one person. It's not possible, no matter how dysfunctional your relationship might be.  This is how being single drives a person to the brink of insanity.  The longer you're single, and the more people you date, the more crazy you're apt to become.    

The longer I'm single, the harder it is to find someone.  Either they've gone completely bonkers in their own futile search for a soul-mate, or they have no clue why I'm so bonkers because they've only had 2 relationships in their whole precious little lives.  

It should come as no surprise that people in a relationship tend to be healthier [as the public health researcher informs me].  I drink less, smoke less, and sleep better when I'm in a relationship.  Of course knowing this doesn't help my neuroses.  Now, not only do I worry that I'll be alone for eternity, but that the ups-and-downs of dating is digging me an early grave.  [Thanks a lot, ex-girlfriends.]  

In a previous post I referred to my past relationships as failures.  A friend - trying to be a friend - asked me if they were really failures, after all.  Weren't they just "learning experiences"?  

Yes.  They were.  I learned lots.  For example: 

• I can say, "Please don't strap my legs down" in Japanese.  
• Romanians recycle their grave plots - and yes, it's as creepy as it sounds.
• If you draw a chalk outline around a dead bird on the sidewalk, most people will walk by without even noticing 

I bet you didn't know those things either.  Nifty.  As much as I am thankful to know that Romania and Bulgaria both became democracies in 1989, I'd rather just have a fucking girlfriend, already, and leave the learning for the classroom.  

There comes a time in every young girl's life when the training wheels come off and we finally get to ride the big-girl bicycle.  That's where I'm at.  Anything less is a waste of my time - in other words, a "failure".

Perhaps you've wondered why your ex-girlfriend was so crazy [especially if she was me].  Maybe you're a happily coupled person who just can't connect with your single friends, anymore.  Or maybe you're single and you're wondering why everyone else seems so bat-shit-crazy.

The truth is, we're all perfectly sane people.  We're just coping with a lot of shit.  So, be nice to us... and remember us on our birthdays.  

Letter to Sharon Needles

Yes, that's right.  I deleted "Letter to Sharon Needles".  But I kept the link up.  Here's why:

I support and love Sharon Needles 100%.  Some people seem to have taken what I've written out of context, and completely misinterpreted the point of my post.  I think she is an amazing and talented performer who pushes boundaries, and I love every second of it.

Dear Sharon Needles,

WIN WIN WIN!  TAKE PHI PHI DOWN!

Heart,

Lady Lemon Peel

Economic Principles of Policy Analysis

Just like every good graduate student, I'm [putting off] studying for my final exams.  My major final is going to be for the class, "Economic Principles of Policy Analysis".  Now, not to gloat or anything, but I achieved a perfect score on my mid-term.  I'm aiming for something like that on my final.

I'm a smart cookie.

As much as I whine about doing my homework, once I get at it, I find it rather relaxing.  See, in an introductory economics class, you draw a lot of straight lines.  Sometimes, you get to draw curvy ones.  On graph paper.  I do mine by hand, although some of my over-achieving classmates do their homework with digital tools I have yet to discover.  I tried Excel.  Didn't work.  Moved on.

I go through my homework questions one-by-one, and write my answers neatly on the paper.  I draw a nice graph using a ruler and a pencil.  If the line isn't perfectly straight, I erase it and draw a new one.  If my cursive is anything less than calligraphy, I erase it and write it again.  It's like a bizarre meditation ritual.

I was a weird kid, too.

No wonder economists love their jobs so much.  Drawing lines is fun, especially when you convince yourself that those silly little lines can tell you everything you need to know about a whole country's well-being.  But while I'm finding all this so relaxing, I'm thinking about how our real-world economy can't possibly be drawn with straight lines on graph paper.  Right?  Our real economy looks like long lines at the unemployment office, rich people riding around in private jets, and political leaders shutting down a whole government because they can't agree.

Our real economy looks like Detroit, Michigan, where abandoned buildings crumble into an infrastructure in disrepair.  People are eager to rebuild their city after a national disaster of epic proportions.  It's as if Hurricane Katrina forgot what she was doing and jumped off course.

Our real economy looks like the battered Gulf Coast, where it wasn't enough that Katrina took lives and homes, or that BP had to screw up the whole ocean.  There are still families there waiting to get their homes back, and more still who never will.

Our real economy looks like Amazon.com, Target, WalMart, FuelPerks, CostCo, Fair Trade, Certified Organic, Exxon, BP, Marcellus Shale, mountain top removal, strip mining, clear-cutting, outsourcing, exporting, and everything else.

There is a term for "everything else" that they use in economics: 'externalities'.  An externality is a cost or benefit derived from trade within a market that doesn't impact the people participating in that market.

In other words, an externality is something you get that you didn't ask for.

Sometimes, externalities can be beneficial.  For example, NASA often makes new materials that we later use in other products.  Because NASA developed the material for its own purposes, the fact that other companies benefit from it is a positive externality.

Environmental impacts, such as pollution, fall under the "negative externality" category.  Companies don't have to pay the costs of cleaning up their pollution, and consumers don't have to pay a higher price for their product.  So, if toxic chemicals were emitted into the air in order to produce the plastic baggies I use to preserve my lunch, neither I nor the company pays for that pollution.

Instead, the community pays for it in the form of higher health care costs.  Environmental advocates have tried to tax polluters so that they begin to reduce pollution as part of their business plan.  The problem with that is that it's hard to put a price on people's health.  What would you charge a polluter who poisoned your drinking water with cancer-causing chemicals?

Yeah, I don't know, either.  A lot, maybe?

All of this makes me think that we need a whole new way of measuring "progress".  And it won't be with straight lines on graph paper.  We need a whole new economic model.  Not socialism.  Not capitalism.  Not any "ism" that exists today.  Because those are old ideas.

I don't know what the solution is.  I keep hoping CMU will offer a course on it.  In the meantime, though, I've gotta' get back to my homework.  I have an Economics final to ace.

Love Letter to UPS

Dear UPS,

5 of the 15 Pittsburgh apartments in which I have lived have been on the 2nd or 3rd floor with no working doorbell.  Since no one wants to put up with my neuroses, I live alone.  I've worked a 9-5 job most of my adult life, and have never owned a car.  This situation - which isn't that uncommon - poses several problems with regard to UPS service.

In some cases, you allow my neighbor (any neighbor in my whole multi-unit apartment building) to sign for my item.  This would be great if I had control over which items my neighbors can be trusted with and which items they cannot.  My $60 computer desk?  Okay.  My $2,000 computer?  NOT Okay.  See how that works?

In other cases, you refuse to allow anyone but me to sign for my item.  Assuming that I am gainfully employed, I'm never going to be home on a weekday to sign for my package.  When I called you guys about this, I was told that I could pick up my item in person... at a location in a different zip code.

I could totally do that... if I owned a car.  In fact, if I owned a car, I would have just bought my item at the store.  The fact that I'm having my item shipped to an inner-city address where parking is a giant pain in the ass should tell you something.

And let's not kid ourselves.  Even if I were home when you came by with my desk, I wouldn't know about it.  I'm pretty sure your drivers don't even bother to try my broken doorbell.  I've seen you assholes stand at the entrance of an apartment building and knock... as if someone is going to hear you.

I even took a day off of work once to receive a package.  You know what?  I waited all day long and nothing.  Then I checked at the door, and sure enough there was another little yellow sticky-note flapping in the wind like a finger-waving child yelling, "neener, neener, neener!"

I even had a working doorbell once.  Your driver rang it.  I got downstairs, and he was gone.  Like a 6th grader playing ding-dong-dash, that bastard was gone faster than I could get down three flights of stairs.  Someone clearly neglected to tell him that he cannot just knock twice, stick a sticker on the door, and call it a "delivery attempt".

Some suggestions:

1.  Um.  Require your drivers to carry cell phones.  Then, give me the option to have them call me.  My pizza delivery guy knows that he has to call my cell if he wants to deliver my pizza.  I know you bitches can do it, too.

2.  Give me an open-ended "delivery instructions" field on your website.  There, I would tell you the important things such as a.) my doorbell doesn't work b.) I won't be home this Friday and c.) call my cell to get me to come open the effing door.

3.  Don't charge me to change the delivery date.  Yeah, it's just $4.00.  But it's a tad absurd to charge me for telling you when I'm most likely to be home.  Do you really prefer that your drivers drive around all day to empty houses?  Or does it make more fucking sense to let me tell you when I'll be home?  WTF?

I'm glad you guys love logistics.  Now, let's try common sense.

Crazy Cat Lady

Every single (as in un-coupled) woman in the world has the same fear: that she will become the "crazy cat lady".  We have all heard the story.  Some of us torture ourselves with that "Hoarders" TV show.  But who exactly is the crazy cat lady?  How does the soul-consuming evolution of single life take us from young, hip, sexually-vibrant Women-with-a-capital-double-u to multiple-cat-owning, control-obsessed, dried up, wrinkled old wretches?  

I wrote about cats in my last post, "Anything But Cats".  You all hate me because I said I hate cats.  Here's a secret:  I don't actually hate cats.  I have a problem.  When I see cats, I am compelled to pet them.  Rather than deal with my own self-destructive desire to squeeze the ever-lovin' stuffin's outta' yer poor kitty, I just tell you that I eat cats so that you'll lock yours in a closet.  It's a maladjusted queer girl's passive-aggressive defense mechanism against severe allergy-induced asthma attacks.  We all have our neuroses.  This is (one of) mine.  Get over it.  

I digress.  At the end of my post, I said that if a girl chooses her cat over me that she should go eff herself.  Well, that's sort of what I said.  Anyway.  

Right on.  Right?  I mean, I should be worth every bit of the time and attention, love and devotion, nurturing and absent-minded petting that you lavish on your dumb cat.  Beeatch!  You're terrible to treat me like I'm less than your cat. I'm a human being!  I should come first!

I know that there are single women out there who are silently telling their computer screens, "That's right, girl!  You deserve better than that!"

But wait a minute.  Let's just put ourselves in the cat-lovin' gal's shoes.  

Cats, my friends, can be trusted.  They'll stick with you as long as you're willing to sacrifice your house plants.  They have to.  You feed them.  You know for a fact that your cat isn't going anywhere.  Cats are incapable of lying to you.  Yeah, maybe they're finicky and somewhat unpredictable.  But if your cat wants to cuddle, it doesn't have an ulterior motive.

A new girlfriend, on the other hand, can lie to you straight through her crooked teeth.  She could cheat on you with one of your mutual friends (happened to me).  She could tell you she loves you so that you'll be easier to control (happened to me).  You might even believe that she's single until her angry wife calls to let you know otherwise (happened to me).  With the million-and-one ways a new girlfriend could screw you over, I can't say I blame women for wanting someone they know they can trust in life.

Makes me want a dog.  Cause I'm a dog person.

But it's really sad that we trust our pets more than we trust the people around us, especially for Pittsburgh queers. We only have a tiny corner of this world, and we can't even trust each other enough to give us the half-hearted emotional support we get from a cat.  That certainly tells you something about our "community".

So, while I may be angry that so many queer ladies in the world prioritize their animals over me, sometimes, I'm inclined to believe they're onto something.  And that is exactly how I might find myself following in the footsteps of your neighborhood animal hoarder.  Girls, we gotta let go of this shit.  I'm just sayin'.   

Anything but Cats

So, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in a girlfriend.  I'm looking back at my [many] failed relationships at all the things that didn't work out for me.  I've come up with a lot about what I DON'T want in my next girlfriend.  I thought I'd share my top five:

1.  Women who don't know what they want

This is a catch-all category that should fit every uncertain girl from the ubiquitous "bi-curious" married woman prowling craigslist to the girl who just got out of a relationship yesterday and is ready to fall in love again today.  I mean, everyone faces a little uncertainty about what their future will look like.  Without that uncertainty, life would be boring.  But if you don't even know whether or not you want a girlfriend, please for the love of all things unholy go figure it out before you hop into my bed.  Until then, assume that no one wants you.  You're in the way of my real true love.  Get out of the way.

2.  Women who have never dated women before

Now, this is not your typical angry lesbian bi-hate here.  I date bisexual women.  In fact, I often prefer bisexual women and their characteristic open-mindedness.  So long as she's had a serious woman-woman relationship in the past, I'm all for dating her.  But I am so over training women how to date a woman.  That's right.  I said it.  And I do mean sexually.

I also mean non-sexually.  I'm tired of training women to deal with the stigma we face when we date other women.  Guess what?  Those kids you want to have?  Now, they're gonna be twice as hard to have.  You'll also have to realize that people treat you differently.  Even if all your pals say they're "totally okay" with your new-found lesbian lover, they're going to have questions for you.  I don't want to have to help you answer them.  I also don't want to be paraded around in front of all your buddies as your real-life proof that you are indeed a queer.

And guess what else?  You'll have to answer dumb questions from ignorant people when you introduce yourself as "Sally's other mommy".  On top of all of that, there's coming out to your parents, coming out to your friends, dealing with the assholes in your family who will boycott your commitment ceremony, and worrying that your evil twin sister will take your house away from your illegal spouse if you die first... you ready for all that?  Didn't think so.  Get out of the way.

3.  Bi-phobic lesbians

As you might gather from #2 above, there is something to be said for dating a bona-fide dyke.  We have a lot in common.  We're used to dealing with social stigma.  We've [mostly] accepted that our lives aren't going to look like everyone else's.  We tell it like it is.  However, I won't date someone who slings around the same hate that we are too often victims of.  I'm talking about those lesbians who hate men so much that they treat bisexual women as though they're guilty by association.

Usually bi-hate comes hand-in-hand with man-hate, and I'm not down with that, either.  My dude-friends are the most awesome-tacular dude-friends you'll ever meet, and I won't have you meanies being mean to them.  It's true that some men suck, but so do a lot of women.  Like you.  Get out of the way.

4.  Women who aren't "out"

I know, I know.  I should be all warm-hearted and nurturing because I'm a girl.  I'm supposed to support my "sisters" as they come into their own and emerge from the darkness of "the closet" to face many of the same struggles I faced.  I should be giving.

I'm not.  I have given enough.  I came out to my mother at an age too young to smoke.  I lived in fear as a queer teen in the middle of nowhere.  I had girls break my heart because they "weren't ready to be gay".  I moved to Pittsburgh, shaved my head, put on my dyke-walk, came out at work, and coached many-a-lesbo through her very own coming out story.  I put my LGBTQ volunteer work on my resume.  I'm fucking out.  Kay?  I am not going back into the closet for you.  Get out of the way.

5.  Women who require cats 

Okay, I'm really putting myself on the shallow end of the queer-lady dating pool now.  But I have had two relationships go south partly due to my now-ex-girlfriends' compulsive need for cat-collecting.  I used to tell myself that I can work around your need for cats.  I can take expensive allergy medication like a daily communion and pretend my asthma inhaler doesn't make me twitch.  I can tell you it's okay as long as you vacuum regularly, and allow you to believe that it's the fur and not the dander that matters.

Not anymore.  Dude, you could shave your stupid cat and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference.  I'd still be allergic to it.  Not to mention that it will inevitably love me.  Cats have radar for people who hate them.  Your effing cat will sleep on my face.  I will pretend it's funny.  And it is.  If you're not me.  If owning a cat is more important to you than a lasting relationship with a healthy and allergy-free girlfriend, then keep your dumb cats.  Get out of the way.

What I DO Want:

Since I've pretty much narrowed down my dating pool to four people, all of whom are probably in relationships - with each other - I doubt I'll even find what I do want.  But just in case she's still out there, what I want is really simple... and probably sappier than you'd expect.  I just want to say "I love you" and mean it.  I want to hear "I love you" and know that it's true.

I want a lasting relationship with a woman who values education and wants to be an active member of her community.  I want a partner who is working for something bigger than just herself.  I want someone who appreciates a little organized chaos, and doesn't mind it if I'm a bit of a mess sometimes.  I want to stay in Pittsburgh together, get a house with [even a tiny] yard, and plant tomatoes.  I'd like a gal who wouldn't mind maybe having a dog or a ferret or a hamster or a gerbil or a fish or a sugar glider or a chinchilla instead of a cat.  If you can be happy with anything but a cat, I can be happy with you.

In with the old... please.

It's long past my bedtime on a very long night.  Maybe it was the weather.  Dreary overcast skies foretold all day of snow.  I sat sipping tea on my sofa longing for things I don't have, and missing people I never see.  Before you feel sorry for me, this was more constructive than your typical hollow sadness.  This was more like a wistful memorial.

My therapist tells me that a piece of me has died.

Today, I spent the crawling hours putting her to rest.

I have gone through many changes, lately.  I've quit my job, started some new ventures, and am about to start a new internship next week.  I am also dealing with a recent break-up.

After the break-up, I bought an obscenely expensive ridiculously large desktop computer to fill the void.  (Ladies and gentlemen, I am now the proud (single) owner of a brand new iMac.)  I was reluctantly excited.  I've been pseudo-happily screwing around with it all week.  Instead of doing my homework, I've been tinkering with photos, experimenting with documents, and just generally fucking around.  But today I was just too tired.  I guess my exhausted brain just needed a break from all the change.

I went to my room where I've fired up my ancient laptop, which is graciously receiving its wireless internet signal from my iMac's built-in wireless router.  Something about having this thing on again makes me feel like maybe sleep is possible; like maybe not everything has changed.

Thank God for that.