Crazy Cat Lady

Every single (as in un-coupled) woman in the world has the same fear: that she will become the "crazy cat lady".  We have all heard the story.  Some of us torture ourselves with that "Hoarders" TV show.  But who exactly is the crazy cat lady?  How does the soul-consuming evolution of single life take us from young, hip, sexually-vibrant Women-with-a-capital-double-u to multiple-cat-owning, control-obsessed, dried up, wrinkled old wretches?  

I wrote about cats in my last post, "Anything But Cats".  You all hate me because I said I hate cats.  Here's a secret:  I don't actually hate cats.  I have a problem.  When I see cats, I am compelled to pet them.  Rather than deal with my own self-destructive desire to squeeze the ever-lovin' stuffin's outta' yer poor kitty, I just tell you that I eat cats so that you'll lock yours in a closet.  It's a maladjusted queer girl's passive-aggressive defense mechanism against severe allergy-induced asthma attacks.  We all have our neuroses.  This is (one of) mine.  Get over it.  

I digress.  At the end of my post, I said that if a girl chooses her cat over me that she should go eff herself.  Well, that's sort of what I said.  Anyway.  

Right on.  Right?  I mean, I should be worth every bit of the time and attention, love and devotion, nurturing and absent-minded petting that you lavish on your dumb cat.  Beeatch!  You're terrible to treat me like I'm less than your cat. I'm a human being!  I should come first!

I know that there are single women out there who are silently telling their computer screens, "That's right, girl!  You deserve better than that!"

But wait a minute.  Let's just put ourselves in the cat-lovin' gal's shoes.  

Cats, my friends, can be trusted.  They'll stick with you as long as you're willing to sacrifice your house plants.  They have to.  You feed them.  You know for a fact that your cat isn't going anywhere.  Cats are incapable of lying to you.  Yeah, maybe they're finicky and somewhat unpredictable.  But if your cat wants to cuddle, it doesn't have an ulterior motive.

A new girlfriend, on the other hand, can lie to you straight through her crooked teeth.  She could cheat on you with one of your mutual friends (happened to me).  She could tell you she loves you so that you'll be easier to control (happened to me).  You might even believe that she's single until her angry wife calls to let you know otherwise (happened to me).  With the million-and-one ways a new girlfriend could screw you over, I can't say I blame women for wanting someone they know they can trust in life.

Makes me want a dog.  Cause I'm a dog person.

But it's really sad that we trust our pets more than we trust the people around us, especially for Pittsburgh queers. We only have a tiny corner of this world, and we can't even trust each other enough to give us the half-hearted emotional support we get from a cat.  That certainly tells you something about our "community".

So, while I may be angry that so many queer ladies in the world prioritize their animals over me, sometimes, I'm inclined to believe they're onto something.  And that is exactly how I might find myself following in the footsteps of your neighborhood animal hoarder.  Girls, we gotta let go of this shit.  I'm just sayin'.