Why Single People Are So Crazy

I have been a single-and-seeking lesbian for nearly 15 years.  In that time, I have dated about 13 people with some degree of seriousness.  I have gone on so many crash-and-burn semi-blind dates that I lost count six years ago.  I've gone from jaded to hopeful to celibate to infatuated to broken and back again at least once every year.

Through it all, I have dealt with a plethora of issues.  It's one thing to learn how to navigate the troubled waters of someone else's issues while also dealing with your own along the way.  It's another thing entirely to have tried this with 13 different people.

To illustrate, let's pretend that all of my exes were actually one person who I've been dating steadily for the last 15 years.  Here is the composite story:

• She's achieved eight undergraduate degrees, three master's degrees, and one PhD
• She's fluent in nine languages
• She's an artist, a writer, a therapist, a teacher, a stay-at-home mom, a medical professional, and an accomplished public health researcher
• She has attempted suicide multiple times
• She struggles with serious body image issues
• She's had 3 abortions
• She's been hospitalized for mental illness
• She's an alcoholic with an off-and-on drug problem
• She's been raised with every sort of family dysfunction imaginable
• She's been raped countless times
• We've broken up 15 times
• We've moved in and out of an apartment together twice
• We've been in separate countries from each other for a total of 1 year and 4 months
• We've talked about marriage, but never even got engaged
• She's cheated on me 5 times (that I know of)  

... no wonder I'm fucking exhausted.  Try to even imagine going through all of that with just one person. It's not possible, no matter how dysfunctional your relationship might be.  This is how being single drives a person to the brink of insanity.  The longer you're single, and the more people you date, the more crazy you're apt to become.    

The longer I'm single, the harder it is to find someone.  Either they've gone completely bonkers in their own futile search for a soul-mate, or they have no clue why I'm so bonkers because they've only had 2 relationships in their whole precious little lives.  

It should come as no surprise that people in a relationship tend to be healthier [as the public health researcher informs me].  I drink less, smoke less, and sleep better when I'm in a relationship.  Of course knowing this doesn't help my neuroses.  Now, not only do I worry that I'll be alone for eternity, but that the ups-and-downs of dating is digging me an early grave.  [Thanks a lot, ex-girlfriends.]  

In a previous post I referred to my past relationships as failures.  A friend - trying to be a friend - asked me if they were really failures, after all.  Weren't they just "learning experiences"?  

Yes.  They were.  I learned lots.  For example: 

• I can say, "Please don't strap my legs down" in Japanese.  
• Romanians recycle their grave plots - and yes, it's as creepy as it sounds.
• If you draw a chalk outline around a dead bird on the sidewalk, most people will walk by without even noticing 

I bet you didn't know those things either.  Nifty.  As much as I am thankful to know that Romania and Bulgaria both became democracies in 1989, I'd rather just have a fucking girlfriend, already, and leave the learning for the classroom.  

There comes a time in every young girl's life when the training wheels come off and we finally get to ride the big-girl bicycle.  That's where I'm at.  Anything less is a waste of my time - in other words, a "failure".

Perhaps you've wondered why your ex-girlfriend was so crazy [especially if she was me].  Maybe you're a happily coupled person who just can't connect with your single friends, anymore.  Or maybe you're single and you're wondering why everyone else seems so bat-shit-crazy.

The truth is, we're all perfectly sane people.  We're just coping with a lot of shit.  So, be nice to us... and remember us on our birthdays.