Pittsburgh isn't exactly prone to epic hurricanes. Of all the great American cities, it's probably the least likely target for a terrorist attack. With its cold winters, mediocre job opportunities, and troubled public schools, Pittsburgh can't be described as a Mecca for... well, anything. But when the world really does end, Pittsburgh is probably right where you'd want to be.
Think about it. Once the requisite looting and debauchery settles down, we have a plethora of resources to sustain ourselves. Not only do we have some of the largest expanses of urban green space in the country, we also have lots of folks who know how to actually grow food on it. With Pittsburgh's characteristic neighborly inhabitants, cooperation might just outrun competition.
But all of that aside, what if? I mean, let's just say that the United States finally pisses off the world enough that even Canada won't be our "neutral" semi-partner any more? (I need to go on a separate rant about Canada. Their fucking quarters need to get out of my change, for real.) What if some commie bastards have bombed every city in America except Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh is next on the list?
Or what if an asteroid is headed straight for us? Or a hurricane veers crazily off course? Or Martians attack? Or the Mon Wharf floods (again)? Or there's a freak earthquake (um...)?
With news of Hurricane Irene pounding New York City, it's clear that unlikely events really do happen. CNN had a conniption fit when up to 370,000 people were ordered to evacuate the city's low-lying areas. (That's more, by the way, than the entire population of Pittsburgh.) And I don't know about you, but I sure felt that earthquake last week. It's not entirely impossible that Pittsburgh would find itself under the threat of a serious emergency.
What is Pittsburgh's great emergency evacuation plan?
From what I can tell, there isn't one. In fact, the Port Authority of Allegheny County's website is more informative than the city site on evacuation preparedness. (You know there's a problem when Port Authority does something right. They can't even get a bus to arrive on time under normal circumstances.) Basically, Pittsburgh's website just says that an evacuation is highly unlikely.
So, why bother even planning for it?
I guess Mayor Ravensthal did so well with Snowmaggedon (or snOMG! if you're that Generation-Y) that he doesn't feel the need to plan ahead much.
Best part is, the City was given a huge grant (something in the neighborhood of $400,000) to do a study on disaster preparednes after the September 11 attacks. The resulting Pittsburgh Emergency Operations Plan hints at evacuation, but doesn't say anything especially concrete.
For example, once you get the hospitals evacuated, how and to where do the patients get transported? If I evacuate by bus (since I don't own a car), which podunk little Pennsyltucky town am I going to get stranded in?
Frankly, I'm a little pissed off that our great city government paid so much money for such a joke of a document. I would have pulled this shit out of my ass for half the money. Clearly, I should open up my own disaster preparedness consulting firm.
Until I do, keep your fingers crossed that Pittsburgh doesn't get hit with another earthquake.
P.S. Apparently, some folks are already criticizing Mayor Bloomberg for ordering evacuations that turned out to be unnecessary. I have one thing to say to them: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I guess you think it's better to let 370,000 people sit in the way of an unpredictable storm. Get a fucking grip.
