So, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in a girlfriend. I'm looking back at my [many] failed relationships at all the things that didn't work out for me. I've come up with a lot about what I DON'T want in my next girlfriend. I thought I'd share my top five:
1. Women who don't know what they want
This is a catch-all category that should fit every uncertain girl from the ubiquitous "bi-curious" married woman prowling craigslist to the girl who just got out of a relationship yesterday and is ready to fall in love again today. I mean, everyone faces a little uncertainty about what their future will look like. Without that uncertainty, life would be boring. But if you don't even know whether or not you want a girlfriend, please for the love of all things unholy go figure it out before you hop into my bed. Until then, assume that no one wants you. You're in the way of my real true love. Get out of the way.
2. Women who have never dated women before
Now, this is not your typical angry lesbian bi-hate here. I date bisexual women. In fact, I often prefer bisexual women and their characteristic open-mindedness. So long as she's had a serious woman-woman relationship in the past, I'm all for dating her. But I am so over training women how to date a woman. That's right. I said it. And I do mean sexually.
I also mean non-sexually. I'm tired of training women to deal with the stigma we face when we date other women. Guess what? Those kids you want to have? Now, they're gonna be twice as hard to have. You'll also have to realize that people treat you differently. Even if all your pals say they're "totally okay" with your new-found lesbian lover, they're going to have questions for you. I don't want to have to help you answer them. I also don't want to be paraded around in front of all your buddies as your real-life proof that you are indeed a queer.
And guess what else? You'll have to answer dumb questions from ignorant people when you introduce yourself as "Sally's other mommy". On top of all of that, there's coming out to your parents, coming out to your friends, dealing with the assholes in your family who will boycott your commitment ceremony, and worrying that your evil twin sister will take your house away from your illegal spouse if you die first... you ready for all that? Didn't think so. Get out of the way.
3. Bi-phobic lesbians
As you might gather from #2 above, there is something to be said for dating a bona-fide dyke. We have a lot in common. We're used to dealing with social stigma. We've [mostly] accepted that our lives aren't going to look like everyone else's. We tell it like it is. However, I won't date someone who slings around the same hate that we are too often victims of. I'm talking about those lesbians who hate men so much that they treat bisexual women as though they're guilty by association.
Usually bi-hate comes hand-in-hand with man-hate, and I'm not down with that, either. My dude-friends are the most awesome-tacular dude-friends you'll ever meet, and I won't have you meanies being mean to them. It's true that some men suck, but so do a lot of women. Like you. Get out of the way.
4. Women who aren't "out"
I know, I know. I should be all warm-hearted and nurturing because I'm a girl. I'm supposed to support my "sisters" as they come into their own and emerge from the darkness of "the closet" to face many of the same struggles I faced. I should be giving.
I'm not. I have given enough. I came out to my mother at an age too young to smoke. I lived in fear as a queer teen in the middle of nowhere. I had girls break my heart because they "weren't ready to be gay". I moved to Pittsburgh, shaved my head, put on my dyke-walk, came out at work, and coached many-a-lesbo through her very own coming out story. I put my LGBTQ volunteer work on my resume. I'm fucking out. Kay? I am not going back into the closet for you. Get out of the way.
5. Women who require cats
Okay, I'm really putting myself on the shallow end of the queer-lady dating pool now. But I have had two relationships go south partly due to my now-ex-girlfriends' compulsive need for cat-collecting. I used to tell myself that I can work around your need for cats. I can take expensive allergy medication like a daily communion and pretend my asthma inhaler doesn't make me twitch. I can tell you it's okay as long as you vacuum regularly, and allow you to believe that it's the fur and not the dander that matters.
Not anymore. Dude, you could shave your stupid cat and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. I'd still be allergic to it. Not to mention that it will inevitably love me. Cats have radar for people who hate them. Your effing cat will sleep on my face. I will pretend it's funny. And it is. If you're not me. If owning a cat is more important to you than a lasting relationship with a healthy and allergy-free girlfriend, then keep your dumb cats. Get out of the way.
What I DO Want:
Since I've pretty much narrowed down my dating pool to four people, all of whom are probably in relationships - with each other - I doubt I'll even find what I do want. But just in case she's still out there, what I want is really simple... and probably sappier than you'd expect. I just want to say "I love you" and mean it. I want to hear "I love you" and know that it's true.
I want a lasting relationship with a woman who values education and wants to be an active member of her community. I want a partner who is working for something bigger than just herself. I want someone who appreciates a little organized chaos, and doesn't mind it if I'm a bit of a mess sometimes. I want to stay in Pittsburgh together, get a house with [even a tiny] yard, and plant tomatoes. I'd like a gal who wouldn't mind maybe having a dog or a ferret or a hamster or a gerbil or a fish or a sugar glider or a chinchilla instead of a cat. If you can be happy with anything but a cat, I can be happy with you.
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